An emergency meeting is called in the war room of The Proletariat Press. All the editors are present: Ari Schwartz from business, Tracy Cook from politics, Camilla O’Shaughnessy and Priscilla Chen from culture, and Fred Feldman the head of asexual investigative journalism. Together they are a kaleidoscope of diversity. Daniella Von Santos presides over them as chief editor.

“I hope you all took your Adderall today, because we’re at threat level one-thousand!”

Daniella throws a stack of manilla folders onto the meeting table. Press releases and low-resolution photographs are passed around.

“Our President was caught masturbating through a partially cracked car window during the annual push-up vigil for the late Justice Ginsburg.”

Priscilla and Camilla gasp, Ari shudders, and Fred Feldman blinks expressionlessly. As the news settles over them, an intern enters with half a gallon of coffee.

“I have mochas, macchiatos, espressos, chai, and—”

“Silence!” Daniella slams her fists on the table. “Our President has been caught with his pants down. We must defend him. I’ve communicated with our sponsors, and we’ve been instructed to barricade the President behind a wall of radical acceptance.”

“How?” Ari demands. “He’s our President, but he’s committed an incorrigible act. No one with decent Judea-Christian values can support this.”

“Was he doing it dry?” Fred wonders. “Or lubricated?”

“Semantics aside,” Priscilla interrupts, “what he did was perfectly natural.”

“Yes,” Camilla agrees, “masturbation is becoming increasingly normalized. This could be exactly what the movement needs to go mainstream.”
“What movement?” Tracy asks, astounded.

“What public figures have been caught masturbating?” Daniella asks. “Any politicians?”

“Great idea.” Camilla opens a laptop and begins typing furiously. “I’ll find ten.”

“He has to resign,” Tracy argues, “No politician can come back from this.”

Daniella squints at Tracy.

“We’ve been instructed to barricade the President behind a wall of radical acceptance.” Daniella repeats herself with her jaw clenched.

“We can’t abandon Joe now. It would devastate the economy,” Ari explains.

“Remember Anthony Weiner?” Tracy speaks with the passion of an employee who is about to be terminated. “He has to resign. We all know if Trump was in his position, Joe would be the first one to condemn it.”

The room becomes humid, and the smell of coffee seems to fill the air. Everyone scowls at Tracy. Everything is silent except for Camilla’s incessant typing, her fingernails clicking against the keyboard.

At the head of the table, Daniella stands up slowly. She stares down Tracy as she finishes a cup of coffee in one gulp. Without blinking, she crumbles the paper cup and tosses it at Tracy’s head.

“Get this two-bit writer out of my war room!” Daniella shrieks. “There’s no place for bigots at The Proletariat Press. You’re fired, Tracy!”

The editors watch in terror as Tracy rushes out of the conference room. Daniella yells insults out the door as Tracy flees for the elevator.

“How dare you challenge our President’s display of sexuality! You must be the first transgender transphobe. Good luck finding work after I finish my Twitter thread about your toxic behavior!”

The editors take deep breaths after the imposter has been expelled. Once they have all had some coffee Daniella asks:

“So, how do we make jerking off cool again?”

The following was a free sample from The Fake News Novel. If you’d like to read more it’s available in eBook or paperback.